They say often “just forgive them and you’ll be free”and I used to wonder if that was true. But when you’re “victim” (not playing a victim, an actual victim) you spent your entire existence blaming yourself, and telling a victim to forgive the person who kept you in a state of self-blame, is not only cruel but fake positive. As someone who has experienced immense physical sickness due to severe physical and emotional abuse which created deep stress… I have come to a different perspective when it comes to the classic “forgive and forget”. When it comes to an aggressor and victim dynamic, I disagree with the idea that forgiveness is the only path to healing, it is much more nuanced. When I started to realize the difference between forgiveness and letting go, I began the journey of healing. Let me explain.
The Difference Between Forgiveness and Letting Go
Forgiveness is often spoken about as a way to relieve stress from abusive situations or abusers, but it’s not that simple. Forgiveness is a gift, one that is earned through accountability and real change. It is not something that should be forced or rushed, especially when harm has been done.
You do have to pursue forgiving yourself for things that were out of your control. If you were harmed, you forgive yourself for not knowing the abuse would happen and for blaming yourself when it wasn’t your fault. If you were the aggressor, you must earn your own forgiveness through true change. Forgiveness is not automatically given. It requires action, it is earned. By either yourself or another; but if the other person cannot earn it… then it is not your job to give it to them.
You Do Not Need to Forgive to Let Go
One of the biggest misconceptions is that forgiveness is required to move on. That is not true. Letting go is about releasing suffering and pursuing healing, but forcing yourself to forgive before you’re ready will only lead to suppression.
When you suppress, you don’t actually heal. You bury the pain, and over time, it resurfaces in stress, illness, and emotional breakdowns. The real stress comes from holding things inside, not from letting go without forgiving.
Healing is Growth, Not Suppression
Healing is a lifelong process of growth. We are like plants. We need nourishment, creativity, and space to flourish. Forcing forgiveness is like pretending to water a plant while ignoring the roots. The body cannot truly forgive in the middle of ongoing harm or unresolved trauma. It goes against the reality of what happened.
If you try to forgive before healing, you’re just pretending. Your body and mind will hold onto the truth, and one day, the suppression will break you down. Instead of forcing forgiveness, focus on growth. Create, express, and de-stress in ways that allow your soul to breathe.
Forgive yourself for what was out of your control. Let go of the blame that was never yours to carry. But you are not responsible for the aggressor’s redemption. That is their burden to bear. Work on healing, growing, and thriving because that is where real freedom lies.
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There is a difference between forgiveness and letting go. Forgiveness is a gift. It is earned after accountability and change. Forgiveness is something you absolutely can give to yourself by forgiving yourself for things that were out of your control. If you were the aggressor, you also have to earn your own forgiveness by changing. It is a gift you give to yourself and others. Forgiveness with others is earned as well.
If you have been harmed, you do not need to forgive them. You forgive yourself for not knowing you would be harmed. Release the self-blame and acknowledge what you went through. You work on letting go, releasing the suffering, and pursuing healing, which is a journey. But realize that if you forgive before doing that, you will end up suppressing. When you suppress, you end up getting sick. The real stress is found in suppressing and not letting go. You do not need to forgive to let go.
Forgiveness is in itself an action word. It means accountability and active change in order to receive it, as mentioned prior. To relieve stress, work on forgiving yourself through acknowledgment and change, and realize that you are not responsible for the aggressor. Let it go, forgive yourself, and work on healing, which is a never-ending process of growth.
We are plants. So if you want your hair to be happy, de-stress through creativity and artistic expression. That is more effective than pretending to forgive because it is pretending at first. The body cannot forgive in the process of being abused or harmed. It goes against the entire truth of abuse. You might think you have forgiven, but you haven’t. You have just suppressed. Eventually, time will pass, and you will fall apart because the lie will come up and consume you. Instead, focus on growth.
Zenia is a multifaceted artist, musician, singer, actress, and tech advisor, dedicated to inspiring transformation through authentic expression. A natural wellness advocate and activist, she supports movements, foundations, and individuals committed to meaningful change. Zenia empowers people to live from the heart, harnessing the power of music, art, lifestyle shifts, and conscious awareness. Rooted in a family legacy of yoga, meditation, holistic health, education, and law, she carries forward a tradition of healing and knowledge, blending artistry with advocacy to make a lasting impact on the world.
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