Narcissists and the Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome
A narcissist is a living contradiction, constantly shifting between two extremes. One moment they are charming, affectionate, the person you once fell for, the person who makes you feel seen, adored, and chosen. Then, without warning, they become cruel, dismissive, distant, and cold. The flip is so sudden, so jarring, that you find yourself questioning what just happened. Was it something you said? Something you did? Did you imagine the whole thing?
This is the Jekyll and Hyde reality of a narcissist. There is no consistency, no real identity, just a constant shape-shifting designed to keep you off balance. The moment you feel safe, they turn. The moment you start to trust, they withdraw. The absurdity of it all is that they expect you to accept both versions of them, as if they can be kind one day and monstrous the next and you should just “understand.” The rational mind struggles with this because it makes no sense. No sane person switches like that, no stable person demands you adjust to their erratic behavior.
Narcissists will poison you while giving the illusion of helping you recover. – Zenia
They come in many forms depending on the situation. They’re either slow burn, or fast and furious. It can be years of being with a seemingly loving person, to them suddenly switching to the person you never knew… and when they do, knowing that you will stay, they will go back and forth keeping you in the roller coaster ride of insanity. Or, quite quickly they show you their colors but they’ve got their hooks into you and you’re trapped in the chaotic reality that is the world of the narcissist.
But the narcissist does not care about making sense. Their only goal is control.
Fight, Flight, or Freeze: The Trauma Response That Keeps You Stuck
When someone is trapped in a narcissistic cycle, their nervous system is constantly in survival mode. The human brain is wired for fight, flight, or freeze, and narcissists exploit this instinct. The chaos they create keeps you in a state of uncertainty and fear, which makes it harder to think clearly or leave.
You want to fight for the relationship, because surely, the good version of them is real. You want to run, but the moment you try, they lure you back with just enough warmth to keep you hooked. And eventually, you freeze. You shut down, you numb yourself, you stop reacting because it is the only way to protect yourself. This is why victims stay. Not because they are weak, not because they do not see what is happening, but because their body and mind have been trained to survive the storm rather than escape it.
VICTIM & AGGRESSOR as defined in a court of law:
Victim A person who has suffered harm, injury, loss, or damage as a direct result of a crime or unlawful act committed by another party. In criminal law, the victim is recognized as the injured party but is not the one bringing the case since criminal cases are prosecuted by the state. In civil law, a victim may file a lawsuit seeking compensation for damages.Aggressor/Abuser A person who initiates or provokes conflict, violence, or harm. In legal terms, an aggressor is often the party that unlawfully threatens or attacks another. In self-defense cases, the law may prevent an aggressor from claiming self-defense unless they clearly withdrew from the conflict and were then attacked.
The Trap of Self-Blame: Why Victims Stay Lost
Perhaps the worst part of being trapped by a narcissist is that you turn on yourself. Every cruel thing they do, every time they twist the truth, every time they disappear and come back as if nothing happened, you find a way to make it your fault. Maybe if you were more patient, more loving, less sensitive, less demanding. Maybe if you could just explain better, maybe if you could just get through to them, maybe if you could just be better, they would stop.
This is the greatest lie that keeps victims stuck. Because a narcissist does not abuse you because of what you do or do not do. They abuse because that is who they are.
And this is why victim-blaming is so toxic. The world often looks at survivors and asks, “Why did you stay?” as if they were complicit in their own suffering. But the truth is, a real victim is already blaming themselves. That is what abuse does. It rewires the mind to internalize the harm, to turn the abuser’s cruelty into self-doubt. The moment a victim escapes is the moment they reject self-blame and choose truth. They realize the narcissist was never right about them. They never deserved it. They were always worthy of love and respect. That is what survival looks like.
Narcissists as “Victims” : The Weaponization of Pity
There is a difference between being a victim and playing the victim. Narcissists constantly play the victim, while they belittle their victims by complaining that they constantly depict themselves as a victim. But guess what? The victim is the victim; narcissists know they can play the role of the victim to make their victim feel confused and to manipulate them further. Narcissists also know how to weaponize victimhood better than anyone. They are never at fault, no matter what they do. Some of them might apologize occasionally, to confuse you into belief that they will change; but it’s a tactic to keep you trapped. In general, they will deny their wrongdoings or simply blame everyone else but themselves. If you call them out, you are attacking them. If you walk away, you have betrayed them. If you set a boundary, you are complaining or being “negative”. Somehow, no matter how much they lie, cheat, manipulate, or destroy, they always find a way to flip the narrative so they are the ones who were wronged.
They will tell anyone who will listen that you hurt them. That you were the one who changed or the one who was bad in the first place. That they tried everything and were left broken by your cruelty. It is all theater, a performance designed to hide the truth. They will never reveal themselves, so justice becomes futile.
A real victim does not seek attention or pity. A real victim does not rewrite history to make themselves look innocent. A real victim does not destroy others in order to protect their ego.
You’ll find victims often take time to reveal their story; but worse of all when they do society tends to “victim blame” them saying things like: “why didn’t you leave?” or “you should’ve left then” to essentially blame them for not leaving the abuser, not blaming the abuser for abusing. Which is kind of ridiculous. The irony being that victims tend to stay with their abuser because they are constantly in a state of self-blame that an abuser will keep them in through the process of manipulator. Some victims are not able to leave their situations as easily as others, so we cannot assume anyone’s story.
Excuses vs. Reasons : The Divide Between a Narcissist and a Survivor
The way narcissists justify their actions is full of excuses. The way survivors explain their suffering is full of reasons. Remember, an excuse means they
Narcissists may say things like:
• I was stressed
• I had a bad childhood
• You made me mad
• You should have known better
• I only did it because you pushed/provoked me
Survivors may say things like:
• I lost myself
• I was afraid
• I thought it was my fault
• I didn’t know how to leave
• I had to fight to believe in myself again
Excuses avoid accountability. Reasons explain reality. Narcissists make excuses so they never have to change. Survivors have reasons because they have endured and fought through something real. To even be more clear: excuse had options, reason did not.
You can either take your pain and turn it into an excuse to be worse; or a reason to be better. – Zenia
Breaking Free and Reclaiming the Truth
Narcissists thrive on chaos, blame, and control. The only way to escape is to see them clearly and choose yourself. The absurdity of their behavior will never make sense, but it does not have to. You do not need to prove to them that they are wrong. You do not need to win the argument. You only need to step out of their game and recognize that their manipulation only works if you keep engaging with it.
The moment you walk away, the spell is broken. The moment you see that the problem was never you, they lose all their power. The moment you choose truth over their twisted reality, you reclaim everything they tried to take.
Surviving a narcissist is not just about escaping them. It is about escaping the person they created you to be while they were manipulating you and remembering who you were before they convinced you otherwise.
Sometimes we go into “what if” or “if I had only”… I personally didn’t find that focusing on that helped me, because it made me angry at myself, thinking that I was to blame for what happened to me. You’re kind of subconsciously creating self blame for not making the “right choice” instead of forgiving yourself for knowing you did not have the ability to do so.
Remember during and after your experience with a narcissist:
You are not to blame: they created the illusion that it is your fault in order to control you.
You were the victim: this is not a bad thing, this is a term to acknowledge and heal from.
You can forgive yourself: you do not need to forgive them, forgiveness is earned.
You can let go slowly: don’t let the pain drag you down, but realize it is still a part of your story.
You did the best you could: don’t blame yourself for what you could’ve done, just
You might never forget it: severe abuse is like a scar, it might not hurt but it is there.
Your experience is unique: regardless of what others say, only you know your experience.
You are healing: you don’t heal, you are constantly healing; it is a forever experience.
You grow, they don’t: they are stuck in their story, but you are growing consistently.
You may get upset: emotions arise; you may get angry or irritated in the process and that is ok.
If you are struggling and need help to be free from an abuser please contact a help-line or reach out to me for some resources. I know how hard it is, and how alone it feels. Be safe.
Zenia is a multifaceted artist, musician, singer, actress, and tech advisor, dedicated to inspiring transformation through authentic expression. A natural wellness advocate and activist, she supports movements, foundations, and individuals committed to meaningful change. Zenia empowers people to live from the heart, harnessing the power of music, art, lifestyle shifts, and conscious awareness. Rooted in a family legacy of yoga, meditation, holistic health, education, and law, she carries forward a tradition of healing and knowledge, blending artistry with advocacy to make a lasting impact on the world.
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